Fake News

Jet Blue foils airline terror plot, report says
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service


A secret FBI report, commissioned by the Bush administration, is suggesting that the recent fiasco involving Jet Blue’s stranding of hundreds of passengers due to stalled takeoffs and flight cancellations may have thwarted “at least one and maybe more terrorist plots using airlines to destroy several possible U.S. targets.”
The individual who leaked details of the FBI report, and who spoke only on condition of receiving free overnight accommodations at a New York airport hotel the next time he flies, is believed to be a former staffer of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby.
“The report clearly identifies Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Iran, N. Korea, Pakistan, Indonesia and Hugo Chavez as possible sources of plots to use Jet Blue aircraft to crash into a variety of U.S. landmarks,” said the source, L. Dominick “Skatekey” Ricardo. “The FBI believes the failure of so many Jet Blue planes to take off thwarted what the report claims was a massive plot to destroy such well known American landmarks including the Brooklyn Bridge, Disney World, and the Eiffel Tower – the one in Vegas, that is.”
The report includes evidence suggesting that in addition to the plot to hijack Jet Blue aircraft, “as many as a dozen suitcase bombs” may have never reached their destinations due to those bags being abandoned by Jet Blue employees at airport baggage areas. It is also believed that one of the Jet Blue flights that stranded passengers on the tarmac at JFK International led to two of the terror suspects exchanging a pair of box cutters and a flight manual for some bottled water.
The source stated that the impetus for the report came from a recent Karl Rove memo directing all government agencies to blame anything and everything that goes wrong in this country “either on terror or the Clintons.”
Jet Blue officials would not comment officially on the report, but one employee, who spoke on condition of receiving food vouchers good at any airport dining facility, said that privately, Jet Blue’s marketing team was already at work on a soon-to-be launched promotional campaign touting the airline as “the least preferred by shadowy terror groups bent on our destruction.”
Executives at other U.S. based carriers are said to be carefully monitoring the situation with Jet Blue to see if their own problems with delays and cancellations can be laid at the feet of terror. “Blaming the weather only gets you so far,” one executive is heard to have remarked. “And, after all, we were once able to blame a Clinton haircut for delays at LAX.”
In a related development, FEMA has announced that Jet Blue will be the agency’s “official airline for emergency evacuations.” The announcement was met with surprise on the part of airline executives, themselves looking to cash in on rich FEMA agreements that tend to throw mountains of money at no-bid contractors with few if any conditions attached on how that money should be spent. The announcement also came as a shock to current and future victims of natural disasters, especially those in hurricane prone areas, such as Florida and Louisiana.
“I think I’ll take my chances with the buses next time,” said Hurricane Katrina victim Leona Watson, currently living under the I-10 overpass in New Orleans.
Several companies are said to be courting FEMA to be named the “official bottled water company,” the “official tarp supplier” and the “official Shelter of Last Resort” for all future natural disasters. FEMA is said to be now looking into expanding its list of “official suppliers,” and adding corporate naming rights to relief efforts, such as the “Allstate/State Farm Hurricane Katrina Relief” as a way of raising revenue to support its future activities.