Dylan reveals inspiration for Like a Rolling Stone
By Nate Mecredi
Bubble News Music Editor
Bob Dylan says the inspiration for his first major pop hit “Like a Rolling Stone” was none other than Richard M. Nixon.
“I was watching him on TV one day, and he just looked like the kind of guy that would “throw the bums a dime in his prime,” said Dylan through a publicist.
It was a startling revelation for an artist known for his inscrutable lyrics and songs that can seem to be about anything or nothing, both at the same time.
In a rambling press statement, Dylan underscored that very inscrutability when he also admitted that the inspiration behind “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll” was a story he read about someone named Hollis Brown, and that the inspiration for the “Ballad of Hollis Brown.” actually came from reading the story of Hattie Carroll.
Admitting that the muse that inspires him, can be as “crazy as a loon sometime,” Dylan also admitted that “The Times They Are A-Changin” had curiously come at a time when he said he didn’t think times were changing much at all.
The statement seem to be an attempt by Dylan to put a damper on the sense of mystery that surrounds many of his songs. He claims now that “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” came to him when he was standing in line at a bakery, and the woman ahead of him couldn’t decide what pastry to buy.
“I wrote ‘It Takes a Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry’ while riding on a motorcycle, and ‘Motorpsycho Nightmare’ while riding on a train,” the statement says. Dylan also admitted the ‘Bob Dylan’s 115th Dream’ was only his 75th. “I do tend to exaggerate things at times in my songs,” he confesses in the statement.
Ironically, one song everyone had thought they new the inspiration for is not correct. “Queen Jane Approximately” was not, according to the statement, was not a song about the romance he and Joan Baez had at one time, but about a Queen Jane that Dylan swore for a time had actually ruled England in the 18th century.
When told of this revelation, a publicist for Joan Baez quoted the female icon as saying, “Then tell that little ferret to stick ‘Diamonds and Rust’ up his skinny ass.”
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
In the News
Man who retired to “spend more time with family” returns to work
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A man claiming he had retired from his high level government job in order to spend more time with his family has returned to work, saying his family didn’t want to spend more time with him.
“It was the craziest thing,” the man, who chose to remain unanimous but confirmed he held a high-ranking position in the U.S. Commerce Department, said. “I walked in the door and said ‘I’m home for good,’ and my wife answered, ‘the hell you are.’”
The individual said he had spent most of his married life working up to 18 hour days and many weekends, in addition to extensive travel, and said he had believed he was just simply chasing the American Dream.
“But I didn’t know my children,” the man said with remorse.
The man’s spouse, who spoke only on condition that the media inform “the whole world” that she was maintaining an up to date Match.com account, confirmed her husband did not know his own children.
“He called one of them Mark – his name is Albert – and he seemed both shocked and surprised at the sight of our twin daughters, when they had approached him with what they wanted for Christmas,” the woman said, cheerfully offering her physical measurements for publication.
The woman said it wasn’t so much that she or her children resented their husband and father. “What’s to resent? We didn’t know him,” said the spouse. “We just felt that at this juncture in our lives, it would become too crowded for us to start including him in everything we did.”
In returning to work, the husband and father of the family asserted the news that his own family didn’t want him and that they had moved on was disturbing. “I guess you don’t know what you have until you don’t have it anymore. “The best thing I suppose is to not know what you have in the first place, so that when you lose it, you won’t miss it,” said the individual, claiming he was quoting Yogi Berra.
Apparently more bad news awaited the Commerce official when he returned to work.
“I couldn’t have my old job back,” he said. “All they had for me was something I had done early on in my career, when I did have the time to marry and start a family.
“The irony now is I have the time again, but no family,” the man remarked, staring sadly into the portrait frames on his desk that now sat empty.
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A man claiming he had retired from his high level government job in order to spend more time with his family has returned to work, saying his family didn’t want to spend more time with him.
“It was the craziest thing,” the man, who chose to remain unanimous but confirmed he held a high-ranking position in the U.S. Commerce Department, said. “I walked in the door and said ‘I’m home for good,’ and my wife answered, ‘the hell you are.’”
The individual said he had spent most of his married life working up to 18 hour days and many weekends, in addition to extensive travel, and said he had believed he was just simply chasing the American Dream.
“But I didn’t know my children,” the man said with remorse.
The man’s spouse, who spoke only on condition that the media inform “the whole world” that she was maintaining an up to date Match.com account, confirmed her husband did not know his own children.
“He called one of them Mark – his name is Albert – and he seemed both shocked and surprised at the sight of our twin daughters, when they had approached him with what they wanted for Christmas,” the woman said, cheerfully offering her physical measurements for publication.
The woman said it wasn’t so much that she or her children resented their husband and father. “What’s to resent? We didn’t know him,” said the spouse. “We just felt that at this juncture in our lives, it would become too crowded for us to start including him in everything we did.”
In returning to work, the husband and father of the family asserted the news that his own family didn’t want him and that they had moved on was disturbing. “I guess you don’t know what you have until you don’t have it anymore. “The best thing I suppose is to not know what you have in the first place, so that when you lose it, you won’t miss it,” said the individual, claiming he was quoting Yogi Berra.
Apparently more bad news awaited the Commerce official when he returned to work.
“I couldn’t have my old job back,” he said. “All they had for me was something I had done early on in my career, when I did have the time to marry and start a family.
“The irony now is I have the time again, but no family,” the man remarked, staring sadly into the portrait frames on his desk that now sat empty.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Developing Story
Report confirms White House Easter egg hunt turned up no eggs
By
Nate Mecredi
Special to the Bubble News
A secret report recently released under the Freedom of Information Act, reveals that the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt turned up no eggs. Dozens of invited guests expressed frustration and confusion.
“We were told over and over again that there were Easter eggs hidden all over the White House grounds,” said one young disappointed participant. “But hours after running around, none of us found anything at all. It sucks.”
Staffers mollified the disappointed children with ice cream and cotton candy, but then refused to let any of them go home until at least some of the eggs were found. That brought the ire of parents and guardians.
“We were promised they would all be home in time for their afternoon naps,” said one disgruntled parent. “Now they’re telling us they don’t know when they’ll be able to go home, and now they’re all hepped up on sugar.”
In the secret report, many of the agencies involved in planning the annual charity event are said to have been scrambling ever since to confirm that their documentation as to where the eggs had been hidden was correct. The Bush administration maintained that the Easter eggs would eventually turn up.
“I have darned good Easter egg hunters,” Bush is reported to have said.
Critics, however, are said to be focusing on several pieces of information that suggest there were no eggs to hide in the first place. The most damning piece of evidence – a shopping list that was supposed to include “10 dozen eggs” and “four packages of PAAS egg decorating kits” is now considered by many to be a forgery.
“The handwriting matches no one on the First Lady’s staff, and the letterhead says Nancy Reagan, who left the White House in 1988,” says an unidentified staffer, who spoke only on condition of the complete revelation of his identity. “The shopping list is clearly a fraud, and a very bad one at that.”
It’s believed that the fake shopping list was forged by a disgruntled member of the housekeeping staff, and then given to one of the Italian gardeners to give to officials.
Nevertheless, Mrs. Bush’s English housekeeper maintains the list is from Mrs. Bush’s own hand, and the White House is shown to be emphasizing her remarks, although no one in the White House has apparently bothered so far to ask her why she believes the shopping lists is in fact Mrs. Bush’s.
Some administration officials point to the discovery of two empty egg cartons that prove that eggs had to have been hidden. But others say those cartons represented eggs that had been used for a crème broule dessert recently served at a White House luncheon.
One of the children, Todd Gack, a nephew of former Weapons Inspector Hans Blix, did say he found one egg that was buried deep in the ground near the rose garden.
“It looked all yucky, like it had been there for ten years or maybe a million,” said the young Gack, believed to be Dutch.
The administration was quick to point to Gack’s discovery as proof the eggs were there as they had predicted all along.
There is also evidence in the report that some of the White House housekeeping departments had wanted the hunt to be delayed until proof of the eggs actually being hidden could be verified by a group of experienced egg hunters from a local private school. The administration disagreed.
“We believe those eggs pose the imminent possibility of being carried away by squirrels, large birds and raccoons,” the administration stated in a major speech on the subject the previous October. “Why take the risk of disappointing so many kids, when we have hard evidence that the squirrels, birds and raccoons are rapidly developing the capability of carrying off most if not all of these Grade A’s.”
But there were also signs in the report that some in the administration were already backing away from earlier statements concerning the hidden eggs.
“The annual Easter egg hunt is about more than just finding Easter eggs,” said one administration official, who spoke on condition of helping him find a job in broadcast journalism. “It’s about the kids and connecting to their government. Even if no eggs turn up, this hunt was worth all the effort and sacrifice.”
By
Nate Mecredi
Special to the Bubble News
A secret report recently released under the Freedom of Information Act, reveals that the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt turned up no eggs. Dozens of invited guests expressed frustration and confusion.
“We were told over and over again that there were Easter eggs hidden all over the White House grounds,” said one young disappointed participant. “But hours after running around, none of us found anything at all. It sucks.”
Staffers mollified the disappointed children with ice cream and cotton candy, but then refused to let any of them go home until at least some of the eggs were found. That brought the ire of parents and guardians.
“We were promised they would all be home in time for their afternoon naps,” said one disgruntled parent. “Now they’re telling us they don’t know when they’ll be able to go home, and now they’re all hepped up on sugar.”
In the secret report, many of the agencies involved in planning the annual charity event are said to have been scrambling ever since to confirm that their documentation as to where the eggs had been hidden was correct. The Bush administration maintained that the Easter eggs would eventually turn up.
“I have darned good Easter egg hunters,” Bush is reported to have said.
Critics, however, are said to be focusing on several pieces of information that suggest there were no eggs to hide in the first place. The most damning piece of evidence – a shopping list that was supposed to include “10 dozen eggs” and “four packages of PAAS egg decorating kits” is now considered by many to be a forgery.
“The handwriting matches no one on the First Lady’s staff, and the letterhead says Nancy Reagan, who left the White House in 1988,” says an unidentified staffer, who spoke only on condition of the complete revelation of his identity. “The shopping list is clearly a fraud, and a very bad one at that.”
It’s believed that the fake shopping list was forged by a disgruntled member of the housekeeping staff, and then given to one of the Italian gardeners to give to officials.
Nevertheless, Mrs. Bush’s English housekeeper maintains the list is from Mrs. Bush’s own hand, and the White House is shown to be emphasizing her remarks, although no one in the White House has apparently bothered so far to ask her why she believes the shopping lists is in fact Mrs. Bush’s.
Some administration officials point to the discovery of two empty egg cartons that prove that eggs had to have been hidden. But others say those cartons represented eggs that had been used for a crème broule dessert recently served at a White House luncheon.
One of the children, Todd Gack, a nephew of former Weapons Inspector Hans Blix, did say he found one egg that was buried deep in the ground near the rose garden.
“It looked all yucky, like it had been there for ten years or maybe a million,” said the young Gack, believed to be Dutch.
The administration was quick to point to Gack’s discovery as proof the eggs were there as they had predicted all along.
There is also evidence in the report that some of the White House housekeeping departments had wanted the hunt to be delayed until proof of the eggs actually being hidden could be verified by a group of experienced egg hunters from a local private school. The administration disagreed.
“We believe those eggs pose the imminent possibility of being carried away by squirrels, large birds and raccoons,” the administration stated in a major speech on the subject the previous October. “Why take the risk of disappointing so many kids, when we have hard evidence that the squirrels, birds and raccoons are rapidly developing the capability of carrying off most if not all of these Grade A’s.”
But there were also signs in the report that some in the administration were already backing away from earlier statements concerning the hidden eggs.
“The annual Easter egg hunt is about more than just finding Easter eggs,” said one administration official, who spoke on condition of helping him find a job in broadcast journalism. “It’s about the kids and connecting to their government. Even if no eggs turn up, this hunt was worth all the effort and sacrifice.”
Monday, March 5, 2007
This Just In...
Coulter narrowly avoids loose cannon
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A civil war era cannon, located on the grounds of a rehab center, broke loose from its moorings and narrowly avoided smashing into conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she spoke at the center over the weekend, according to a witness who had attended the event.
The witness, who spoke only on condition of receiving a boxed set edition of Brokeback Mountain, said Coulter had just began speaking when someone in the crowd suddenly shouted “Loose cannon!” and pointed in her direction toward a hill behind her. The audience gasped as they watched the canon careening down the hill and toward Ms. Coulter who had just begun her remarks by telling the crowd that “Liberals are always looking over their backs, thinking someone or something is after them. It’s so ironic!”
It almost was for Ms. Coulter.
“Initially, security mistakenly ran toward Coulter herself when they heard the cry from the crowd,” said the witness, “but then realized it was an actual cannon that had broken loose.” Security managed to divert the cannon, which smashed into an automobile emblazoned with “Edwards for President” posters that had been parked nearby.
Coulter, who was unfazed by the incident, noted later in a press interview that the cannon had no doubt been installed “by some little faggot that doesn’t know how to chock a wheel.”
Coulter quickly dismissed any suspicion that the cannon had been purposely set loose to cause her bodily harm. “Liberals don’t like guns, remember?”
The witness said Coulter admitted this was not the first incident where a breakaway cannon had posed a physical threat to her. “Actually, it’s happened so many times now, I’ve begun to think of myself as a loose cannon,” she told reporters, and then added when no one laughed, “I was joking!”
Coulter had been invited to speak at the rehab center that specializes in patients suffering from Tourette Syndrome, a disorder characterized by sudden and involuntary outbursts of invective. According to the center, Coulter waived her usual fee, saying she had a soft place in her heart for people with Tourette. “It’s something the really strikes a nerve deep inside me,” Coulter said.
By the end of the day the cannon had been temporarily secured with stones and a warning sign that read, “Careful, loose,” along with another sign commemorating Coulter’s visit that day.
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A civil war era cannon, located on the grounds of a rehab center, broke loose from its moorings and narrowly avoided smashing into conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she spoke at the center over the weekend, according to a witness who had attended the event.
The witness, who spoke only on condition of receiving a boxed set edition of Brokeback Mountain, said Coulter had just began speaking when someone in the crowd suddenly shouted “Loose cannon!” and pointed in her direction toward a hill behind her. The audience gasped as they watched the canon careening down the hill and toward Ms. Coulter who had just begun her remarks by telling the crowd that “Liberals are always looking over their backs, thinking someone or something is after them. It’s so ironic!”
It almost was for Ms. Coulter.
“Initially, security mistakenly ran toward Coulter herself when they heard the cry from the crowd,” said the witness, “but then realized it was an actual cannon that had broken loose.” Security managed to divert the cannon, which smashed into an automobile emblazoned with “Edwards for President” posters that had been parked nearby.
Coulter, who was unfazed by the incident, noted later in a press interview that the cannon had no doubt been installed “by some little faggot that doesn’t know how to chock a wheel.”
Coulter quickly dismissed any suspicion that the cannon had been purposely set loose to cause her bodily harm. “Liberals don’t like guns, remember?”
The witness said Coulter admitted this was not the first incident where a breakaway cannon had posed a physical threat to her. “Actually, it’s happened so many times now, I’ve begun to think of myself as a loose cannon,” she told reporters, and then added when no one laughed, “I was joking!”
Coulter had been invited to speak at the rehab center that specializes in patients suffering from Tourette Syndrome, a disorder characterized by sudden and involuntary outbursts of invective. According to the center, Coulter waived her usual fee, saying she had a soft place in her heart for people with Tourette. “It’s something the really strikes a nerve deep inside me,” Coulter said.
By the end of the day the cannon had been temporarily secured with stones and a warning sign that read, “Careful, loose,” along with another sign commemorating Coulter’s visit that day.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Fake News
Jet Blue foils airline terror plot, report says
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A secret FBI report, commissioned by the Bush administration, is suggesting that the recent fiasco involving Jet Blue’s stranding of hundreds of passengers due to stalled takeoffs and flight cancellations may have thwarted “at least one and maybe more terrorist plots using airlines to destroy several possible U.S. targets.”
The individual who leaked details of the FBI report, and who spoke only on condition of receiving free overnight accommodations at a New York airport hotel the next time he flies, is believed to be a former staffer of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby.
“The report clearly identifies Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Iran, N. Korea, Pakistan, Indonesia and Hugo Chavez as possible sources of plots to use Jet Blue aircraft to crash into a variety of U.S. landmarks,” said the source, L. Dominick “Skatekey” Ricardo. “The FBI believes the failure of so many Jet Blue planes to take off thwarted what the report claims was a massive plot to destroy such well known American landmarks including the Brooklyn Bridge, Disney World, and the Eiffel Tower – the one in Vegas, that is.”
The report includes evidence suggesting that in addition to the plot to hijack Jet Blue aircraft, “as many as a dozen suitcase bombs” may have never reached their destinations due to those bags being abandoned by Jet Blue employees at airport baggage areas. It is also believed that one of the Jet Blue flights that stranded passengers on the tarmac at JFK International led to two of the terror suspects exchanging a pair of box cutters and a flight manual for some bottled water.
The source stated that the impetus for the report came from a recent Karl Rove memo directing all government agencies to blame anything and everything that goes wrong in this country “either on terror or the Clintons.”
Jet Blue officials would not comment officially on the report, but one employee, who spoke on condition of receiving food vouchers good at any airport dining facility, said that privately, Jet Blue’s marketing team was already at work on a soon-to-be launched promotional campaign touting the airline as “the least preferred by shadowy terror groups bent on our destruction.”
Executives at other U.S. based carriers are said to be carefully monitoring the situation with Jet Blue to see if their own problems with delays and cancellations can be laid at the feet of terror. “Blaming the weather only gets you so far,” one executive is heard to have remarked. “And, after all, we were once able to blame a Clinton haircut for delays at LAX.”
In a related development, FEMA has announced that Jet Blue will be the agency’s “official airline for emergency evacuations.” The announcement was met with surprise on the part of airline executives, themselves looking to cash in on rich FEMA agreements that tend to throw mountains of money at no-bid contractors with few if any conditions attached on how that money should be spent. The announcement also came as a shock to current and future victims of natural disasters, especially those in hurricane prone areas, such as Florida and Louisiana.
“I think I’ll take my chances with the buses next time,” said Hurricane Katrina victim Leona Watson, currently living under the I-10 overpass in New Orleans.
Several companies are said to be courting FEMA to be named the “official bottled water company,” the “official tarp supplier” and the “official Shelter of Last Resort” for all future natural disasters. FEMA is said to be now looking into expanding its list of “official suppliers,” and adding corporate naming rights to relief efforts, such as the “Allstate/State Farm Hurricane Katrina Relief” as a way of raising revenue to support its future activities.
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A secret FBI report, commissioned by the Bush administration, is suggesting that the recent fiasco involving Jet Blue’s stranding of hundreds of passengers due to stalled takeoffs and flight cancellations may have thwarted “at least one and maybe more terrorist plots using airlines to destroy several possible U.S. targets.”
The individual who leaked details of the FBI report, and who spoke only on condition of receiving free overnight accommodations at a New York airport hotel the next time he flies, is believed to be a former staffer of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby.
“The report clearly identifies Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Iran, N. Korea, Pakistan, Indonesia and Hugo Chavez as possible sources of plots to use Jet Blue aircraft to crash into a variety of U.S. landmarks,” said the source, L. Dominick “Skatekey” Ricardo. “The FBI believes the failure of so many Jet Blue planes to take off thwarted what the report claims was a massive plot to destroy such well known American landmarks including the Brooklyn Bridge, Disney World, and the Eiffel Tower – the one in Vegas, that is.”
The report includes evidence suggesting that in addition to the plot to hijack Jet Blue aircraft, “as many as a dozen suitcase bombs” may have never reached their destinations due to those bags being abandoned by Jet Blue employees at airport baggage areas. It is also believed that one of the Jet Blue flights that stranded passengers on the tarmac at JFK International led to two of the terror suspects exchanging a pair of box cutters and a flight manual for some bottled water.
The source stated that the impetus for the report came from a recent Karl Rove memo directing all government agencies to blame anything and everything that goes wrong in this country “either on terror or the Clintons.”
Jet Blue officials would not comment officially on the report, but one employee, who spoke on condition of receiving food vouchers good at any airport dining facility, said that privately, Jet Blue’s marketing team was already at work on a soon-to-be launched promotional campaign touting the airline as “the least preferred by shadowy terror groups bent on our destruction.”
Executives at other U.S. based carriers are said to be carefully monitoring the situation with Jet Blue to see if their own problems with delays and cancellations can be laid at the feet of terror. “Blaming the weather only gets you so far,” one executive is heard to have remarked. “And, after all, we were once able to blame a Clinton haircut for delays at LAX.”
In a related development, FEMA has announced that Jet Blue will be the agency’s “official airline for emergency evacuations.” The announcement was met with surprise on the part of airline executives, themselves looking to cash in on rich FEMA agreements that tend to throw mountains of money at no-bid contractors with few if any conditions attached on how that money should be spent. The announcement also came as a shock to current and future victims of natural disasters, especially those in hurricane prone areas, such as Florida and Louisiana.
“I think I’ll take my chances with the buses next time,” said Hurricane Katrina victim Leona Watson, currently living under the I-10 overpass in New Orleans.
Several companies are said to be courting FEMA to be named the “official bottled water company,” the “official tarp supplier” and the “official Shelter of Last Resort” for all future natural disasters. FEMA is said to be now looking into expanding its list of “official suppliers,” and adding corporate naming rights to relief efforts, such as the “Allstate/State Farm Hurricane Katrina Relief” as a way of raising revenue to support its future activities.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Developing Story
Rumsfeld resignation letter focused on famed Letters of Transit
By
Nate Mecredi
Special to the Bubble News Service
(Washington, Feb. 15, 2007) A deeply placed source within the Pentagon claims former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation letter advocated abandoning efforts to uncover Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, and instead wanted U.S. forces stationed there to begin looking for two missing “Letters of Transit.”
The source said there is a report from British Intelligence suggesting the real possibility that Saddam Hussein had once been in possession of these letters, and may have originally considered attempting to use them to escape Iraq following the United States’ invasion there.
“You must understand that such letters are absolutely critical in escaping a hostile war zone,” the source said. “Especially when you’re already behind enemy lines.”
The source added that when Rumsfeld read the intelligence report suggesting Saddam could have simply showed the letters to U.S. soldiers guarding Iraqi border crossings, and then been allowed to pass, without even bothering to disguise himself, the Secretary is said to have whistled and muttered, “Hey, those are some letters!”
Letters of Transit have long been used during periods of open hostilities to enable the free flow of individuals critical to the conduct of that war. They were first employed in World War II, and permitted spies and rebels within German-controlled territories, such as Casablanca, to escape and continue their subversive work on free soil.
“The Letters of Transit employed during World War II had been signed by General DeGaulle himself and could not be rescinded for any reason, even if the German army had seized known spies or subversives in their own territory,” the source explained. “Even spies known to have been plotting with the French Resistance in German-occupied Vichy France would have to be released when such Letters were shown.”
The source said Rumsfeld believed it’s these Letters of Transit that possibly explains why the United States has been unable to capture members of the Taliban or Osama bin Laden.
“They probably all have these letters,” Rumsfeld is reported to have said.
But a British intelligence officer has warned that the United States should not put too much stock in the report concerning the existence of those letters.
“We have not been able to verify either the authenticity of the intelligence or the actual existence of these ‘Letters of Transit,’” the officer told a British tabloid. “We’re trying to locate the author of that report right now. We understand he is in Paris, perhaps attending a Humphrey Bogart Film Festival.”
The Pentagon source, who spoke only on condition of complete identification, and wished to be known as Rick, said he asked Rumsfeld, after the Secretary had signed his resignation memo, if the Letters could also have been used to ferry Saddam’s WMD’s out of the country in advance of invading U.S. forces.
“I saw Rumsfeld furrow his brow and then shrug,” Rick said. “And then he told me, ‘It’s getting harder and harder to get the American people to believe whatever we tell them.’”
By
Nate Mecredi
Special to the Bubble News Service
(Washington, Feb. 15, 2007) A deeply placed source within the Pentagon claims former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation letter advocated abandoning efforts to uncover Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, and instead wanted U.S. forces stationed there to begin looking for two missing “Letters of Transit.”
The source said there is a report from British Intelligence suggesting the real possibility that Saddam Hussein had once been in possession of these letters, and may have originally considered attempting to use them to escape Iraq following the United States’ invasion there.
“You must understand that such letters are absolutely critical in escaping a hostile war zone,” the source said. “Especially when you’re already behind enemy lines.”
The source added that when Rumsfeld read the intelligence report suggesting Saddam could have simply showed the letters to U.S. soldiers guarding Iraqi border crossings, and then been allowed to pass, without even bothering to disguise himself, the Secretary is said to have whistled and muttered, “Hey, those are some letters!”
Letters of Transit have long been used during periods of open hostilities to enable the free flow of individuals critical to the conduct of that war. They were first employed in World War II, and permitted spies and rebels within German-controlled territories, such as Casablanca, to escape and continue their subversive work on free soil.
“The Letters of Transit employed during World War II had been signed by General DeGaulle himself and could not be rescinded for any reason, even if the German army had seized known spies or subversives in their own territory,” the source explained. “Even spies known to have been plotting with the French Resistance in German-occupied Vichy France would have to be released when such Letters were shown.”
The source said Rumsfeld believed it’s these Letters of Transit that possibly explains why the United States has been unable to capture members of the Taliban or Osama bin Laden.
“They probably all have these letters,” Rumsfeld is reported to have said.
But a British intelligence officer has warned that the United States should not put too much stock in the report concerning the existence of those letters.
“We have not been able to verify either the authenticity of the intelligence or the actual existence of these ‘Letters of Transit,’” the officer told a British tabloid. “We’re trying to locate the author of that report right now. We understand he is in Paris, perhaps attending a Humphrey Bogart Film Festival.”
The Pentagon source, who spoke only on condition of complete identification, and wished to be known as Rick, said he asked Rumsfeld, after the Secretary had signed his resignation memo, if the Letters could also have been used to ferry Saddam’s WMD’s out of the country in advance of invading U.S. forces.
“I saw Rumsfeld furrow his brow and then shrug,” Rick said. “And then he told me, ‘It’s getting harder and harder to get the American people to believe whatever we tell them.’”
Breaking News
Bin Laden DVD Boxed Set contains extra features
By
Nate Mecredi
Special to the Bubble News
(Qatar, Feb. 15, 2007) The Free Arab Broadcasting Network, Al-Jezeera, is reporting it is in receipt of a DVD Boxed Set of all Osama Bin Laden VHS format videotapes previously released to the network. The boxed set is believed to have been produced by members of Bin Laden’s terrorist organization, Al Qaeda. Network officials say the DVD collection contains commentary, previously unpublished clips, as well as alternate scenes of Bin Laden and other members of the Al-Qaeda network crowing over a variety of terrorist acts.
“The DVD version strongly suggests that Bin Laden and Al-Qaeda had many possible terrorist plots going on at the same time,” says Al-Jezeera, “and they were evidently unclear as to which ones - if any- were going to succeed.”
In addition to the demonstrations of praise and glee over the attack on the World Trade Center, Al-Jezeera says alternate scenes show Bin Laden and others celebrating a successful attack on the George Washington Bridge, The Lincoln Tunnel, The Statue of Liberty and a restaurant referred to in the DVD as the “44th Street Deli.”
“This format reveals the extent and ambition of Osama Bin Laden to carry his terror to the United States,” Al-Jezeera reports. “Clearly New York and its many icons have been targeted by Bin Laden and may still be.”
Al-Jezeera could offer no explanation why the alternate scenes of celebration included that of a corner New York deli, other than it had apparently overcharged an Al-Qaeda operative once for a Knish, just prior to the attacks on September 11.
“They may not know how to land and takeoff,” Al-Jezeera said, “but they can certainly count change, and apparently, the operative felt $8 back from a $20 for a Knish and a coke was too much even by New York standards.”
In addition to the alternate scenes of the different possible attacks, the network reports the DVD offers a variety of languages as well as celebrations. In one instance, Bin Laden and other Al Qaeda operatives were seen square dancing, doing a polka, a tango, the Flamenco, the Macarena and even the Chicken Dance.
“It appears they were trying for the widest cultural appeal for expressing their joy and praise for the attacks,” the network said.
The DVD also includes outtakes, according to Al-Jezeera, that in one instance shows Bin Laden idly picking his nose, and then apparently contemplating what to do with the results.
“It’s a very open, revealing and personal scene,” the network said, “showing that Bin Laden can be an average down-home mensch who picks his nose and also scratches himself when he thinks no one is looking.”
While the DVD demonstrates that Al-Qaeda certainly means business, Al-Jezeera said the overall impact of the additional scenes show Bin Laden’s more “playful” side.
“He comes off as someone you would want to spend a casual evening discussing film or the best way to strap plastic explosives to a 12-year old martyr or stuff it into the heel of a shoe before boarding a plane,” the network reported.
The network hastened to add, however, that even with all the additional scenes and footage, nothing about Al-Qaeda’s future plans could be discerned.
“Just to be safe, however, we would advise any deli owners in New York to review with their help how to make accurate change,” the network said.
By
Nate Mecredi
Special to the Bubble News
(Qatar, Feb. 15, 2007) The Free Arab Broadcasting Network, Al-Jezeera, is reporting it is in receipt of a DVD Boxed Set of all Osama Bin Laden VHS format videotapes previously released to the network. The boxed set is believed to have been produced by members of Bin Laden’s terrorist organization, Al Qaeda. Network officials say the DVD collection contains commentary, previously unpublished clips, as well as alternate scenes of Bin Laden and other members of the Al-Qaeda network crowing over a variety of terrorist acts.
“The DVD version strongly suggests that Bin Laden and Al-Qaeda had many possible terrorist plots going on at the same time,” says Al-Jezeera, “and they were evidently unclear as to which ones - if any- were going to succeed.”
In addition to the demonstrations of praise and glee over the attack on the World Trade Center, Al-Jezeera says alternate scenes show Bin Laden and others celebrating a successful attack on the George Washington Bridge, The Lincoln Tunnel, The Statue of Liberty and a restaurant referred to in the DVD as the “44th Street Deli.”
“This format reveals the extent and ambition of Osama Bin Laden to carry his terror to the United States,” Al-Jezeera reports. “Clearly New York and its many icons have been targeted by Bin Laden and may still be.”
Al-Jezeera could offer no explanation why the alternate scenes of celebration included that of a corner New York deli, other than it had apparently overcharged an Al-Qaeda operative once for a Knish, just prior to the attacks on September 11.
“They may not know how to land and takeoff,” Al-Jezeera said, “but they can certainly count change, and apparently, the operative felt $8 back from a $20 for a Knish and a coke was too much even by New York standards.”
In addition to the alternate scenes of the different possible attacks, the network reports the DVD offers a variety of languages as well as celebrations. In one instance, Bin Laden and other Al Qaeda operatives were seen square dancing, doing a polka, a tango, the Flamenco, the Macarena and even the Chicken Dance.
“It appears they were trying for the widest cultural appeal for expressing their joy and praise for the attacks,” the network said.
The DVD also includes outtakes, according to Al-Jezeera, that in one instance shows Bin Laden idly picking his nose, and then apparently contemplating what to do with the results.
“It’s a very open, revealing and personal scene,” the network said, “showing that Bin Laden can be an average down-home mensch who picks his nose and also scratches himself when he thinks no one is looking.”
While the DVD demonstrates that Al-Qaeda certainly means business, Al-Jezeera said the overall impact of the additional scenes show Bin Laden’s more “playful” side.
“He comes off as someone you would want to spend a casual evening discussing film or the best way to strap plastic explosives to a 12-year old martyr or stuff it into the heel of a shoe before boarding a plane,” the network reported.
The network hastened to add, however, that even with all the additional scenes and footage, nothing about Al-Qaeda’s future plans could be discerned.
“Just to be safe, however, we would advise any deli owners in New York to review with their help how to make accurate change,” the network said.
Arts and Entertainment
Roomful of monkeys with typewriters pen another Seinfeld spin-off
By Nate Macredi
The Bubble News Service
The same roomful of monkeys with typewriters that created “The Michael Richard’s Show,” “Bob Patterson” and “Ellie” have produced their fourth Seinfeld spin-off, according to sources close to the garage where the monkeys have been working for the past two years.
Tentatively titled “Wayne Knight and Friends,” the story centers on Knight as a CEO of a large energy trading company who faces bankruptcy as a result of his decision to hire only former Al-Qeada terrorists to run the firm’s various investment businesses.
“This time, the monkeys seemed to gravitate toward social relevance and topicality,” says Professor Tom Bates of Harvard University’s Missing Link Project, which has overseen the monkeys’ work since they were originally brought together in 1998 to produce a pilot for the Fox Network about a gay adoption of a Szechwan Panda who is taught proper gun licensing and safety entitled, “Rosie and the Bear.”
“We were a little disappointed that one never got off the ground,” says Bates, who told The Bubble that Fox Executives objected to the Panda being categorized as a bear, instead of a raccoon, which Pandas are anatomically more akin.
Bates recalls, “I told them, ‘Look, it’s a bunch of monkeys in a room with typewriters. You expect them to get every little detail exactly right?’”
Bates says the monkeys do more than just bash out sitcoms. Over the four years of production, the monkeys have managed two novels, a screenplay and a television miniseries.
“It comes down to time,” explains Bates. “Harvard insists the Missing Link Project be completely self-funding. With 25 monkeys banging away on typewriter keys 16 hours a day, it can take them a whole year to generate a commercially viable novel. But they can knock out a sitcom pilot sometimes in a matter of days. And Fox has a standing option on everything the monkeys produce.”
Bates says that he and his staff provide very little in the way of supervision and direction.
“We like to let the monkeys do their own thing,” he explains.
He hastens to note, however, that sometimes that freedom has its downside.
“One time the monkeys managed a complete sitcom pilot in just one day. We knew something had to be wrong, because normally they can barely come up with a readable sentence in such a short span of time.”
Bates says when the monkeys brought him a script entitled “Baby Koko” about a six-month old chimpanzee that speaks street-wise, smart-alecky French, he didn’t even want to show it to Fox brass.
“But they loved it,” Bates says, adding that Fox only passed on “Baby Koko” when they decided instead to pick up a series about two underage binge drinking daughters of a sitting president.
“It’s hard for even a roomful of monkeys with typewriters to top something like that,” commented Bates wistfully.
A PETA spokesperson says that organization currently has no objection to monkeys working in the entertainment field, although it would like to see opportunities extended to a broader range of animals, especially domesticated varieties.
“We believe there’s a lot of untapped talent in those barns, pig pens, catfish farms and chicken coops,” the spokesperson said. “With the expansion of cable, networks are going to have cast a wider net to find the creative talent it’s going to need.”
When Bates was asked what he thought of PETA’s ideas, he rolled his eyes, wondering what kind of quality you could expect from a barn full of cows with laptops.
By Nate Macredi
The Bubble News Service
The same roomful of monkeys with typewriters that created “The Michael Richard’s Show,” “Bob Patterson” and “Ellie” have produced their fourth Seinfeld spin-off, according to sources close to the garage where the monkeys have been working for the past two years.
Tentatively titled “Wayne Knight and Friends,” the story centers on Knight as a CEO of a large energy trading company who faces bankruptcy as a result of his decision to hire only former Al-Qeada terrorists to run the firm’s various investment businesses.
“This time, the monkeys seemed to gravitate toward social relevance and topicality,” says Professor Tom Bates of Harvard University’s Missing Link Project, which has overseen the monkeys’ work since they were originally brought together in 1998 to produce a pilot for the Fox Network about a gay adoption of a Szechwan Panda who is taught proper gun licensing and safety entitled, “Rosie and the Bear.”
“We were a little disappointed that one never got off the ground,” says Bates, who told The Bubble that Fox Executives objected to the Panda being categorized as a bear, instead of a raccoon, which Pandas are anatomically more akin.
Bates recalls, “I told them, ‘Look, it’s a bunch of monkeys in a room with typewriters. You expect them to get every little detail exactly right?’”
Bates says the monkeys do more than just bash out sitcoms. Over the four years of production, the monkeys have managed two novels, a screenplay and a television miniseries.
“It comes down to time,” explains Bates. “Harvard insists the Missing Link Project be completely self-funding. With 25 monkeys banging away on typewriter keys 16 hours a day, it can take them a whole year to generate a commercially viable novel. But they can knock out a sitcom pilot sometimes in a matter of days. And Fox has a standing option on everything the monkeys produce.”
Bates says that he and his staff provide very little in the way of supervision and direction.
“We like to let the monkeys do their own thing,” he explains.
He hastens to note, however, that sometimes that freedom has its downside.
“One time the monkeys managed a complete sitcom pilot in just one day. We knew something had to be wrong, because normally they can barely come up with a readable sentence in such a short span of time.”
Bates says when the monkeys brought him a script entitled “Baby Koko” about a six-month old chimpanzee that speaks street-wise, smart-alecky French, he didn’t even want to show it to Fox brass.
“But they loved it,” Bates says, adding that Fox only passed on “Baby Koko” when they decided instead to pick up a series about two underage binge drinking daughters of a sitting president.
“It’s hard for even a roomful of monkeys with typewriters to top something like that,” commented Bates wistfully.
A PETA spokesperson says that organization currently has no objection to monkeys working in the entertainment field, although it would like to see opportunities extended to a broader range of animals, especially domesticated varieties.
“We believe there’s a lot of untapped talent in those barns, pig pens, catfish farms and chicken coops,” the spokesperson said. “With the expansion of cable, networks are going to have cast a wider net to find the creative talent it’s going to need.”
When Bates was asked what he thought of PETA’s ideas, he rolled his eyes, wondering what kind of quality you could expect from a barn full of cows with laptops.
Breaking Fake News
Wal-Mart offers to buy island of Taiwan
by
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
The Wal-Mart corporation is set to announce plans to purchase the island of Taiwan, “from whoever can produce a legal deed first,” according to an internal memo. A copy of the memo was given confidentially to the Bubble News Service by a Wal-Mart employee, and only on condition of receiving help with his food stamp application.
According to the memo, Wal-Mart officials are well aware of the disputed ownership of the island, recognizing that both China and the United States claim the deed. But these officials believe a continuing and even escalating dispute will just be bad for business. (Suggestions that Taiwan itself claims independent ownership of its own island and affairs was dismissed in the memo as “piffle.”)
The memo, signed by Wal-Mart World Acquisition Vice-President Milo Minderbinder III, will offer a combination of cash and “all the batteries their little hands can carry,” in return for the island.
“This is not about politics or culture or even what’s right and wrong; it’s about business,” according to Minderbinder’s memo, whose grandfather once lost a fortune selling chocolate-covered Egyptian cotton during World War II. (The elder Minderbinder had originally made that fortune by buying eggs for three cents and selling them for two cents to United Sates forces stationed in Italy, claiming to make a profit on volume.)
In the memo Minderbinder claims that any conflict involving the possibility of military action between the two nations could lead to a vast call-up by the Chinese, resulting in less workers available to produce cheap foreign goods for its stores and supercenters.
“Can you imagine the effect on profits if we have to start buying from America again, because the Chinese suddenly have a billion people in uniform and armed to the teeth?” Minderbinder asked in the memo. “We just can’t afford the prospect of paying fair wages, and restoring a middle class that would prefer to shop at Macy’s or even a Target.”
Officially, the Bush administration had no comment when presented with a copy of the Wal-Mart memo, but privately one official who spoke only on condition of receiving a free Sam’s Club membership, said the administration sees the wisdom of Wal-Mart’s move.
“It’s a heckuva lot cheaper than trying to impose stability and democracy at the point of a gun,” said the official, casting his eyes toward a nearby map of Iraq. The official said a secret task force headed by Vice-President Dick Cheney was already at work looking into tax cuts and subsidies for companies buying problem countries and rogue nations.
“There would, of course, be a premium paid on a purchase of any of “axis of evil” nations,” admitted the official quoting task force minutes, and only after a case of 64 oz cans of Starkist tuna was placed in front of him.
This is not the first time an American company has been implicated in an effort to buy and own an entire country. According to a diary kept by a member of the Medellin drug cartel, Pablo Escobar had tried to offer the country of Columbia to Halliburton Inc. in exchange for a “good deal” on some processing and refining equipment.” According to one diary entry, Escobar pulled the offer off the table, after receiving his first invoice from Halliburton and realized he was being gouged.
It remains uncertain at this point just what Wal-Mart’s next move can be. “There’s really no international law dealing with the subject of nations being purchased by multinational corporations,” says Robert Saccamano of the American Enterprise Institute. “Not that international law or any international organization has ever stood in the way of what a multinational decides to do, mind you.”
In fact, Saccamano’s book, Why We’re Better Than Everyone Else: America and the Nuke Card, Saccamano writes precisely about providing tax breaks and other incentives for multinationals purchasing problem countries. In charts and graphs, Saccamano shows how the cost of the outright purchase of any country that “does not agree with us,” would be less than what the current prescription drug benefit will eventually cost taxpayers.
by
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
The Wal-Mart corporation is set to announce plans to purchase the island of Taiwan, “from whoever can produce a legal deed first,” according to an internal memo. A copy of the memo was given confidentially to the Bubble News Service by a Wal-Mart employee, and only on condition of receiving help with his food stamp application.
According to the memo, Wal-Mart officials are well aware of the disputed ownership of the island, recognizing that both China and the United States claim the deed. But these officials believe a continuing and even escalating dispute will just be bad for business. (Suggestions that Taiwan itself claims independent ownership of its own island and affairs was dismissed in the memo as “piffle.”)
The memo, signed by Wal-Mart World Acquisition Vice-President Milo Minderbinder III, will offer a combination of cash and “all the batteries their little hands can carry,” in return for the island.
“This is not about politics or culture or even what’s right and wrong; it’s about business,” according to Minderbinder’s memo, whose grandfather once lost a fortune selling chocolate-covered Egyptian cotton during World War II. (The elder Minderbinder had originally made that fortune by buying eggs for three cents and selling them for two cents to United Sates forces stationed in Italy, claiming to make a profit on volume.)
In the memo Minderbinder claims that any conflict involving the possibility of military action between the two nations could lead to a vast call-up by the Chinese, resulting in less workers available to produce cheap foreign goods for its stores and supercenters.
“Can you imagine the effect on profits if we have to start buying from America again, because the Chinese suddenly have a billion people in uniform and armed to the teeth?” Minderbinder asked in the memo. “We just can’t afford the prospect of paying fair wages, and restoring a middle class that would prefer to shop at Macy’s or even a Target.”
Officially, the Bush administration had no comment when presented with a copy of the Wal-Mart memo, but privately one official who spoke only on condition of receiving a free Sam’s Club membership, said the administration sees the wisdom of Wal-Mart’s move.
“It’s a heckuva lot cheaper than trying to impose stability and democracy at the point of a gun,” said the official, casting his eyes toward a nearby map of Iraq. The official said a secret task force headed by Vice-President Dick Cheney was already at work looking into tax cuts and subsidies for companies buying problem countries and rogue nations.
“There would, of course, be a premium paid on a purchase of any of “axis of evil” nations,” admitted the official quoting task force minutes, and only after a case of 64 oz cans of Starkist tuna was placed in front of him.
This is not the first time an American company has been implicated in an effort to buy and own an entire country. According to a diary kept by a member of the Medellin drug cartel, Pablo Escobar had tried to offer the country of Columbia to Halliburton Inc. in exchange for a “good deal” on some processing and refining equipment.” According to one diary entry, Escobar pulled the offer off the table, after receiving his first invoice from Halliburton and realized he was being gouged.
It remains uncertain at this point just what Wal-Mart’s next move can be. “There’s really no international law dealing with the subject of nations being purchased by multinational corporations,” says Robert Saccamano of the American Enterprise Institute. “Not that international law or any international organization has ever stood in the way of what a multinational decides to do, mind you.”
In fact, Saccamano’s book, Why We’re Better Than Everyone Else: America and the Nuke Card, Saccamano writes precisely about providing tax breaks and other incentives for multinationals purchasing problem countries. In charts and graphs, Saccamano shows how the cost of the outright purchase of any country that “does not agree with us,” would be less than what the current prescription drug benefit will eventually cost taxpayers.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Obama once took candy from stranger, reports say
Obama once took candy from stranger, reports say
by
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
The National Times is reporting that as an eight-year old boy, presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL)was seen accepting a piece of candy from a "total stranger."
The witness to the incident, who spoke only on condition of receiving a free 6-month subscription to the newspaper, observed the transaction from his car near an elementary school playground where the witness says he "often parked to observe the youngsters at play."
The report of candy-taking comes on the heels of a recent Slate.com story revealing that Obama got a good deal on a real estate transaction, the results - so the reports suggest - of collusion with a known Democratic fundraiser, Antoin "Tony" Rezko, currently under grand jury investigation for raising funds for Democrats.
"This is another blow to Obama's fledgling presidential campaign," said former Republican Congressman Tom Delay, who answered reporters' questions from a courtroom he was appearing in that was near where the Rezko grand jury investigation was occurring. "What political favor did that stranger expect to get in return from Obama for that candy is what I think the American People are entitled to know."
The Times said it was also looking into reports that Obama had once swapped his lunch consisting of a bologna sandwich and a cup of lime Jell-O with a 6th grade classmate in exchange for the classmate's ham and turkey club on focacia bread with Dijonais mayonnaise, and that also included chips and a deli pickle. The Times said any politician involved in an exchange that results in a benefit for that politician has to be "viewed with suspicion."
In response to earlier queries from reporters on the Times staff, Obama has allegedly admitted to receiving "0% financing" from a "known Chicagoland car dealership" and a buy-one, get-one free "sweetheart deal" on two packages of Ballpark Franks from a Southside Chicago Kroger's.
Obama's mother, however, denies Obama took candy from a "stranger,"
"Unless by 'stranger' you mean his uncle Mojambo, I don't think the Times story is accurate," said Obama's mother during a call-in radio program. "He was given the candy by his uncle for being a good boy and eating all his bologna sandwich and his lime Jell-O for lunch that day. Why didn't the Times just call me?"
In an unrelated story, the Times is also reporting a witness observing Sen. Hillary Clinton (D- NY) stuffing empty O.Henry candy bar wrappers into a paper shredder in her Washington Senatorial office this past week.
by
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
The National Times is reporting that as an eight-year old boy, presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL)was seen accepting a piece of candy from a "total stranger."
The witness to the incident, who spoke only on condition of receiving a free 6-month subscription to the newspaper, observed the transaction from his car near an elementary school playground where the witness says he "often parked to observe the youngsters at play."
The report of candy-taking comes on the heels of a recent Slate.com story revealing that Obama got a good deal on a real estate transaction, the results - so the reports suggest - of collusion with a known Democratic fundraiser, Antoin "Tony" Rezko, currently under grand jury investigation for raising funds for Democrats.
"This is another blow to Obama's fledgling presidential campaign," said former Republican Congressman Tom Delay, who answered reporters' questions from a courtroom he was appearing in that was near where the Rezko grand jury investigation was occurring. "What political favor did that stranger expect to get in return from Obama for that candy is what I think the American People are entitled to know."
The Times said it was also looking into reports that Obama had once swapped his lunch consisting of a bologna sandwich and a cup of lime Jell-O with a 6th grade classmate in exchange for the classmate's ham and turkey club on focacia bread with Dijonais mayonnaise, and that also included chips and a deli pickle. The Times said any politician involved in an exchange that results in a benefit for that politician has to be "viewed with suspicion."
In response to earlier queries from reporters on the Times staff, Obama has allegedly admitted to receiving "0% financing" from a "known Chicagoland car dealership" and a buy-one, get-one free "sweetheart deal" on two packages of Ballpark Franks from a Southside Chicago Kroger's.
Obama's mother, however, denies Obama took candy from a "stranger,"
"Unless by 'stranger' you mean his uncle Mojambo, I don't think the Times story is accurate," said Obama's mother during a call-in radio program. "He was given the candy by his uncle for being a good boy and eating all his bologna sandwich and his lime Jell-O for lunch that day. Why didn't the Times just call me?"
In an unrelated story, the Times is also reporting a witness observing Sen. Hillary Clinton (D- NY) stuffing empty O.Henry candy bar wrappers into a paper shredder in her Washington Senatorial office this past week.
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