Developing Story

Report confirms White House Easter egg hunt turned up no eggs

By
Nate Mecredi
Special to the Bubble News

A secret report recently released under the Freedom of Information Act, reveals that the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt turned up no eggs. Dozens of invited guests expressed frustration and confusion.
“We were told over and over again that there were Easter eggs hidden all over the White House grounds,” said one young disappointed participant. “But hours after running around, none of us found anything at all. It sucks.”
Staffers mollified the disappointed children with ice cream and cotton candy, but then refused to let any of them go home until at least some of the eggs were found. That brought the ire of parents and guardians.
“We were promised they would all be home in time for their afternoon naps,” said one disgruntled parent. “Now they’re telling us they don’t know when they’ll be able to go home, and now they’re all hepped up on sugar.”
In the secret report, many of the agencies involved in planning the annual charity event are said to have been scrambling ever since to confirm that their documentation as to where the eggs had been hidden was correct. The Bush administration maintained that the Easter eggs would eventually turn up.
“I have darned good Easter egg hunters,” Bush is reported to have said.
Critics, however, are said to be focusing on several pieces of information that suggest there were no eggs to hide in the first place. The most damning piece of evidence – a shopping list that was supposed to include “10 dozen eggs” and “four packages of PAAS egg decorating kits” is now considered by many to be a forgery.
“The handwriting matches no one on the First Lady’s staff, and the letterhead says Nancy Reagan, who left the White House in 1988,” says an unidentified staffer, who spoke only on condition of the complete revelation of his identity. “The shopping list is clearly a fraud, and a very bad one at that.”
It’s believed that the fake shopping list was forged by a disgruntled member of the housekeeping staff, and then given to one of the Italian gardeners to give to officials.
Nevertheless, Mrs. Bush’s English housekeeper maintains the list is from Mrs. Bush’s own hand, and the White House is shown to be emphasizing her remarks, although no one in the White House has apparently bothered so far to ask her why she believes the shopping lists is in fact Mrs. Bush’s.
Some administration officials point to the discovery of two empty egg cartons that prove that eggs had to have been hidden. But others say those cartons represented eggs that had been used for a crème broule dessert recently served at a White House luncheon.
One of the children, Todd Gack, a nephew of former Weapons Inspector Hans Blix, did say he found one egg that was buried deep in the ground near the rose garden.
“It looked all yucky, like it had been there for ten years or maybe a million,” said the young Gack, believed to be Dutch.
The administration was quick to point to Gack’s discovery as proof the eggs were there as they had predicted all along.
There is also evidence in the report that some of the White House housekeeping departments had wanted the hunt to be delayed until proof of the eggs actually being hidden could be verified by a group of experienced egg hunters from a local private school. The administration disagreed.
“We believe those eggs pose the imminent possibility of being carried away by squirrels, large birds and raccoons,” the administration stated in a major speech on the subject the previous October. “Why take the risk of disappointing so many kids, when we have hard evidence that the squirrels, birds and raccoons are rapidly developing the capability of carrying off most if not all of these Grade A’s.”
But there were also signs in the report that some in the administration were already backing away from earlier statements concerning the hidden eggs.
“The annual Easter egg hunt is about more than just finding Easter eggs,” said one administration official, who spoke on condition of helping him find a job in broadcast journalism. “It’s about the kids and connecting to their government. Even if no eggs turn up, this hunt was worth all the effort and sacrifice.”