Coulter narrowly avoids loose cannon
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A civil war era cannon, located on the grounds of a rehab center, broke loose from its moorings and narrowly avoided smashing into conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she spoke at the center over the weekend, according to a witness who had attended the event.
The witness, who spoke only on condition of receiving a boxed set edition of Brokeback Mountain, said Coulter had just began speaking when someone in the crowd suddenly shouted “Loose cannon!” and pointed in her direction toward a hill behind her. The audience gasped as they watched the canon careening down the hill and toward Ms. Coulter who had just begun her remarks by telling the crowd that “Liberals are always looking over their backs, thinking someone or something is after them. It’s so ironic!”
It almost was for Ms. Coulter.
“Initially, security mistakenly ran toward Coulter herself when they heard the cry from the crowd,” said the witness, “but then realized it was an actual cannon that had broken loose.” Security managed to divert the cannon, which smashed into an automobile emblazoned with “Edwards for President” posters that had been parked nearby.
Coulter, who was unfazed by the incident, noted later in a press interview that the cannon had no doubt been installed “by some little faggot that doesn’t know how to chock a wheel.”
Coulter quickly dismissed any suspicion that the cannon had been purposely set loose to cause her bodily harm. “Liberals don’t like guns, remember?”
The witness said Coulter admitted this was not the first incident where a breakaway cannon had posed a physical threat to her. “Actually, it’s happened so many times now, I’ve begun to think of myself as a loose cannon,” she told reporters, and then added when no one laughed, “I was joking!”
Coulter had been invited to speak at the rehab center that specializes in patients suffering from Tourette Syndrome, a disorder characterized by sudden and involuntary outbursts of invective. According to the center, Coulter waived her usual fee, saying she had a soft place in her heart for people with Tourette. “It’s something the really strikes a nerve deep inside me,” Coulter said.
By the end of the day the cannon had been temporarily secured with stones and a warning sign that read, “Careful, loose,” along with another sign commemorating Coulter’s visit that day.
By
Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A civil war era cannon, located on the grounds of a rehab center, broke loose from its moorings and narrowly avoided smashing into conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she spoke at the center over the weekend, according to a witness who had attended the event.
The witness, who spoke only on condition of receiving a boxed set edition of Brokeback Mountain, said Coulter had just began speaking when someone in the crowd suddenly shouted “Loose cannon!” and pointed in her direction toward a hill behind her. The audience gasped as they watched the canon careening down the hill and toward Ms. Coulter who had just begun her remarks by telling the crowd that “Liberals are always looking over their backs, thinking someone or something is after them. It’s so ironic!”
It almost was for Ms. Coulter.
“Initially, security mistakenly ran toward Coulter herself when they heard the cry from the crowd,” said the witness, “but then realized it was an actual cannon that had broken loose.” Security managed to divert the cannon, which smashed into an automobile emblazoned with “Edwards for President” posters that had been parked nearby.
Coulter, who was unfazed by the incident, noted later in a press interview that the cannon had no doubt been installed “by some little faggot that doesn’t know how to chock a wheel.”
Coulter quickly dismissed any suspicion that the cannon had been purposely set loose to cause her bodily harm. “Liberals don’t like guns, remember?”
The witness said Coulter admitted this was not the first incident where a breakaway cannon had posed a physical threat to her. “Actually, it’s happened so many times now, I’ve begun to think of myself as a loose cannon,” she told reporters, and then added when no one laughed, “I was joking!”
Coulter had been invited to speak at the rehab center that specializes in patients suffering from Tourette Syndrome, a disorder characterized by sudden and involuntary outbursts of invective. According to the center, Coulter waived her usual fee, saying she had a soft place in her heart for people with Tourette. “It’s something the really strikes a nerve deep inside me,” Coulter said.
By the end of the day the cannon had been temporarily secured with stones and a warning sign that read, “Careful, loose,” along with another sign commemorating Coulter’s visit that day.
